Hey friends. You know how I always talk about being vulnerable and open so that others can be, too? Well, tonight I’m going to get raw and vulnerable. This might sound more like a journal entry than a post to the public, but it is what it is.
Social media has made somewhat of a fake world. I mean, the experiences that are posted are real (I like to think) but when you scroll through someone’s Instagram posts, 80% of them are versions of themselves that they portray as being the “perfect life”. Because, really, who posts about the nights that they spend crying themselves to sleep, or wake up in the middle of the night anxious, or the insane amount of pain their heart is in? We live in a world that craves the “image”. And then we crave the comparison of that image. If I posted every single time I had a sleepless night or every time I cried myself to the point of almost throwing up, it’d get old pretty quick.
With all of that said, this is me not portraying the “image”. This is me showing the pain and the hurt. I think in the last three weeks, I have gone on the worst rollercoaster of emotions I’ve ever been on. I went from having so much hope and things falling into place in a certain area of my life, to WHAM! slap in the face, the complete opposite. All in a matter of a couple of days. I feel used. Confused (beyond confused). Betrayed. Lied to. Pain. So much pain. Someone I thought I knew better than I knew myself, is now someone I feel like I’ve never known. You know I’ve been bullied pretty badly in my life, but this feels so much worse. I literally am having to make assumptions because I don’t have the truth. I’m having to try to figure things out because nothing makes any sense. And that shouldn’t be my job. I shouldn’t have to sit here and try to put pieces together, and try to figure out what’s going on. I’m going through a lot of hurt right now, and trying to pick up the pieces. And it’s hard, and I hate it.
I do have an incredible support system, but this whole thing has made me realize just how much I need to love and respect myself more. Somewhere along the way, I lost that. To be perfectly honest, I caught myself the other day saying something so horrible about myself. That’s when it hit me: things have to change…NOW. Enough is enough.
So, I’ve decided to talk about it. Not in detail, but just let you know that if you’re struggling, I’m right there with you. You’re not alone. I’ve also decided to do something else about it. I’m starting a 30 day bucket list challenge. It’s so easy to sink into the sadness, so I wanted to do something that forced me to live my life. I’m not the type of person who wants to numb the pain with alcohol, drugs, junk food, filling a void with another person, running away, stuffing the pain down, etc. I want to face it head-on so I can feel it, really feel it. To me, that’s the only way to really heal, and heal is what I need to do.
What better way to heal than to do it through living a full life? I want to take 30 days to check things off my bucket list. I have a bucket list for my life, but trying to create one for 30 days is actually more challenging than I thought! So, starting February 1st, I’m kicking this off, and I would love for you to join me if you want to do your own! Yes, I know that there are only 29 days in February, but March 1st will be the “bonus” day 🙂
I am still deciding if I want to blog about each day, or just random check-ins here and there. I probably won’t post my list, but I will give updates.
I am super excited about this! I also know this: God uses pain. So, if you’re going through something, just know that your pain is never wasted. You may not know the reason for it right now, but one day you will. I promise. Just keep holding on. We can get through this together.
If you want to join me in this challenge, shoot me a message. You’re not alone in your pain. And, I guess with this post, I kinda want to feel like I’m not alone, too.
What I’m listening to:
“Belong To You,” Iron Bells Music
“My Back Pages,” Bob Dylan
The ENTIRE A Star Is Born Soundtrack
What I’m reading:
Defined, by Stephen Kendrick