Hey friends. This blog entry is going to be a little bit of a different one. It’s raw emotions and things that I’ve kept bottled up for years, and I figure if this blog can (hopefully) help someone else, maybe it can help me, too. Because sometimes I get tired. Tired of trying. Tired of fighting to be heard. Tired of fighting to be taken seriously. Tired of trying to belong. Tired of speaking, but no one listening. Tired of crying. Of feeling overwhelmed. Depressed. Anxious. Alone. Afraid. Asking for help but not getting it. Trying to be strong, but wanting to fall down. Tired of apologizing for things that aren’t my fault (which I’ve totally stopped doing, btw). Tired of being told how I should live my life. I’m just tired. And you know what? That’s OK. We all get tired every once in a while. Sometimes we just finally realize that enough is enough, and whatever we’re going through, we can’t take it anymore. While it sucks (totally sucks), it can actually be a blessing in disguise. Maybe there’s a silver lining somewhere in there. Our body’s way of telling us, ‘hey, this situation isn’t healthy. Let’s find a way out of this. But first, you will have to go through some pain and raw emotions.’ That’s not say that I still don’t feel all of those things listed above, because I sure do. So much so that I sleep more than normal. Don’t really have much of an appetite. Cry myself to sleep more than I want to. People always say to just fight it…fake it till you make it. I don’t want to fake it. I want to face it, head-on, because that’s the only way to really get through it and grow, in my opinion. As much as I wish it wasn’t happening, and I wasn’t having these feelings, I’d rather deal with them now, than 5 years down the road when they will surface again.
I’ve noticed that when I start to feel like this, it’s (for the most part) because of two reasons. One, not spending enough time with myself to process and just be. I’m an introvert, with anxiety, and I know that I need to spend time alone in order to recharge my batteries and reconnect with myself. But, sometimes I feel guilty about it, or I really want to spend time with this person, or that person…and then I put myself last. Two, not being connected with my faith. I’m a believer, I try to go to church as often as I can, I read devotionals, but when I lack in this area, it shows. This also goes hand-in-hand with spending time with myself, to not only connect with myself, but also to reconnect with God. Obviously there are other things that come into play when I feel this tired. I’m also the gypsy type. I like to take adventures, explore, move from here to there, but I also crave structure, plans and peace. We are all different, but that’s the fun part, right? If we were all the same, what a boring world this would be.
After years and years (starting back in the fourth grade) of being told I’m worthless, ugly, of fighting to be heard and seen, fighting to be taken seriously (among other things), has finally taken its toll. I’ve finally reached the point where I either face this once and for all, or spend the next 20+ years feeing this way…and that’s just not an option for me anymore! I’m doing what I should have done years ago and putting myself first. I can’t expect anyone to do this for me, so here I am, taking a stand, for myself!
So, this blog was more like a journal entry than anything else, but it helped me. If it helped you, then yay! Stand up for what YOU want, what YOU believe in; which hopefully means–YOU.